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Shakespearean Pornos

'I was watching it for the intellectual stimulation.'
  (+27, -2)(+27, -2)(+27, -2)
(+27, -2)
  [vote for,

Remember the lame excuse you men gave your parents when they found your stash of Playboys? 'I like to read the articles.' Well, I'll bet the same problem comes up when you're caught with those 'intellectually stimulating' videos, doesn't it? Not to worry. We have the perfect solution--Shakespearean Pornography. These aren't just skinflicks, these are exquisite works of cultural art that any wife would be proud to catch her husband watching. Watch as Debby doth Dallas in perfect iambic pentameter. Juliet never had it so good. Catch in Hamlet the king/queen bedroom scene that the great playwright left out, inserting the famous 'to be or not to be' monologue in its place instead. Hear Lady MacBeth stew over her guilty, lewd acts between the sheets... 'Out! Out, drenched spot...'
RayfordSteele, May 13 2002

porn completely acceptable in UK http://news.bbc.co....1986000/1986869.stm
Queen has yet to comment. [sappho, May 14 2002, last modified Oct 21 2004]

Bardcore http://web.archive....ardcoreexamples.htm
The motherlode of Shakespeare-inspired porn, with scanned video covers, magazine pages, what have you. The author is pushing his book about modern Shakespeare adaptations (one chapter of which deals with porn).

Titles that actually exist (among others):
Macbeth (seems to be code for violent hardcore)
Measure for Measure (gay department store salesmen)
Hamlet - for the Love of Ophelia
Romeo and Julian
Secret Sex Lives of Romeo and Juliet
Taming of the Screw
Othello: Dangerous Desire
A Midsummer Night's Cream
A Midsummer's Night Dream
A Midsummer's Wet Dream
Much Ado About Nuttin' [jutta, May 14 2002, last modified Sep 19 2007]

roman's porn http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0067372/
intellectual accompaniment to rocket polishing [etherman, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 21 2004]

John Wilmot, 2nd Earl of Rochester http://famouspoetsa...s/john_wilmot/poems
dirty bugger [Murdoch, Sep 20 2007]

Victorians & piano legs http://heartkeeperc...and-piano-legs.html
[Ling, Sep 24 2007]

Is this idea simply inverse bowlderisation? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bowlderise
[AbsintheWithoutLeave, Sep 24 2007]


       She: "what are you learing at? oh thats OK thats very cultural my dear. I am off to be bed with a good Trollope." He: " OK night night love. be up soon."
po, May 13 2002

       RS - you do know, of course, that in Billy S's day, all the roles would have been played by men, right? Not that I'd complain, really, though I've never really found cross-dressing all that appealing. Even if you used men for male roles, and women for female roles, there's still all of that cross dressing going on. My oh my how confusing this could get!
quarterbaker, May 13 2002

       You'd need to find some way of preventing people from muting the dialogue. Perhaps some kind of strip Shakespeare quiz partway through before you got to the scene where the Nurse teaches Juliet the facts of life?
pottedstu, May 13 2002

       qb, yes, I was aware of that, but had misplaced it somewhere in my mind when I was writing this. Now I'm getting grossed out. Eww...   

       Stu, good point about the dialogue. Perhaps it could be a DVD program with your quiz in the middle.
RayfordSteele, May 13 2002

       Sorry, didn't mean to crash the party, RS. Please understand, however, that all-male porno is more appealing to me, so I wasn't necessarily being critical. Rather, just finding my own way of appreciating your idea. So let's just say that I would give a different meaning to the utterance "Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him" than you might.
quarterbaker, May 13 2002

       Have countless porn makers not already tried to bake this idea?

Ahem. Not that I'd know anything about that...
mcscotland, May 13 2002

       mc, I wouldn't know. I wouldn't know.   

       I was toying around with the idea of Shakespearian ___ for some time but couldn't find an underused decent movie genre to juxtapose with it, 'til Ithought of this.   

       Qb, ah, okay. It was that inclusion of boys that sent me reeling... So if I said something like, 'Here hung those lips that I have kissed I know not how oft,' you might take a different fancy to that...
RayfordSteele, May 13 2002

       Coriol-anus? King Leer? The Readers' Wives of Windsor? A Winter's Tail? Julius Seize Her?
pottedstu, May 13 2002

       Merchant of Veneris; Veneris and Androgynous; Bos & Divinette & Troilus & Cressida
reensure, May 14 2002

       I'm kindof embarassed that this is this popular... the last thing I want to be known as is the guy who halfbaked Shakespearean porno.
RayfordSteele, May 14 2002

       Some men are porn to greatness,
some men have it thrust upon them.
phoenix, May 14 2002

       [RayfordSteele], I believe that ship has sailed. Soon the whole world will know. Your reputation will be ruined and life as you know it will be over. You're living on bard time.   

       You might have gone with Shakespearean horror. "What fright through yonder window breaks? It is the beast and Juliet is his lunch."   

       I'm pretty sure that your croissant count would have been substantially lower though.
half, May 14 2002

       surprised that no one has their teeth into Midsummer's Nights Dream yet!
po, May 14 2002

       or Much Ado about Nothing!
po, May 14 2002

       Romeo in Juliet.
neelandan, May 14 2002

       The Merry Amateur Housewives of Windsor...
The Taming of the Shrew (S&M)
Two Gentlemen of Verona (for qb)
waugsqueke, May 14 2002

       OK, I cannot resist. Troilism and Cressida. Henry's VI Inch Part. The Temp Pest (a sordid tale of office sexual harrassment). And of course those old favourites Dick Two and Three.
pottedstu, May 14 2002

stupop, May 14 2002

       To make 'porno' plural, just add an 's.' The apostrophe makes it possessive.
mrthingy, May 14 2002

       I was also wondering if that was the case, but I thought the apostrophe might be there to indicate the abbreviation of pornography to porno'.
stupop, May 14 2002

       UB, thanks, I was wondering about that spelling. I knew the name ended with the 'e' but I didn't know whether it was dropped for an 'i' or not. Tried to look it up last night, but had a wonderful crash about that time, and retired to bed. <fixed>   

       Good god, I've gone off and gotten the poets all hot and bothered again...   

       uh huh... huh... [phoenix] said 'thrust.' huh... huh... cool. I'll never be able to watch Chicken Run innocently again.
RayfordSteele, May 14 2002

       That time,--O times!--
I laugh'd him out of patience; and that night
I laugh'd him into patience; and next morn,
Ere the ninth hour, I drunk him to his bed;
Then put my tires and mantles on him, whilst
I wore his sword Philippan.
RayfordSteele, May 14 2002

       Viagra overdose?
RayfordSteele, May 16 2002

       Hath I not a lewd eye?
bristolz, May 16 2002

       Very good! I think the sensitive ladies would really dig it. lol...
Bohemianqueen, May 16 2002

       Baked: roman polanski's Macbeth [link]
etherman, May 05 2004

       For some reason, people belive me when I say that I bought the porn for the articles. Of course, that may be because I actually DO buy some porn for the articles. I once edited a porn pic to see what model of computer was behind the girl. Turns out it was a Pentium. Yeah, I have no life.
Shadow Phoenix, Sep 18 2007

       [jutta], I don't think that link goes where it did when you linked it anymore.
normzone, Sep 19 2007

       Oops. Thanks! This fix brought to you by archive.org.
jutta, Sep 19 2007

       Bardcore! Brilliant!
wagster, Sep 19 2007

       Is this a good moment to point out that Will S was a cunning linguist?
Murdoch, Sep 19 2007

       Thy manhood dost throbbeth bewith thine pants,
Offer it out, I beseech thee!
So that upon its outrageous promontory,
I may satisfy my lusty design.

       Oh my lady! I doth protest at thee,
Thine bra, t'is unjustly fastened.
Pray, loosen it a little,
That I might gaze upon thine busty substances.

zen_tom, Sep 19 2007

       Read along whilst drinking Shakesbeer. +
xandram, Sep 19 2007

       You should read some of John Wilmot 2nd Earl of Rochester's poetry if you want an idea of what shapearioporn might be like. I'll bung a link up.
Murdoch, Sep 20 2007

       Just call me Willy, for short...
Ling, Sep 20 2007

       What a bunch of country matters.
theleopard, Sep 20 2007

       By my troth, I got off.
nomocrow, Sep 20 2007

       Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo Deny thy father and refuse thy name; Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, And I'll no longer be a Capulet. So come hither and deliver that pizza thou carries, but alas, I bear foreboding consequence of having ne’r a shilling to my name. Howest then shall I pay thee for thine large pepperoni thouest brings me? (Cue bad baroque music)
doctorremulac3, Sep 22 2007

       Now there's a thought - Shakepearean pornos in Victorian times.   

       "But, soft! What delight through yonder piano leg breaks?"
Ling, Sep 24 2007

       My naked weapon is out: quarrel, I will back thee.
nomocrow, Sep 24 2007

       Titus Androgynous
DrCurry, Sep 24 2007

       // What a bunch of country matters. // Can't help you there, I know naught of country matters. But one does have to wonder when the restaurant (for want of a better name) at the end of the street is called the 'Kuntry Kitchen'. What *were* they thinking of?
gtoal, Sep 24 2007

       //Titus Androgynous//   

       Tight-ass Androgynous, shirley. we used to have days of this sort of thing in college theatre. that degree is worth its weight in gold, i tell ya!
k_sra, Sep 24 2007


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