Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Pet Portraits After Dark

  (+5, -4)
(+5, -4)
  [vote for,

For a small fee, pet owners bring their animals to my specially designed studio - and I will paint their portraits. But this is portraiture with a difference!

My dedicated painting technique cares little for lighting on Fluffy's snout, the plumage surrounding Cyril's beak or the delightful pattern on Mr. Whiskers' coat. They have no significance to an artist such as myself - whatsoever!

Once the owner selects from a series of possible scenarios, I will set up my easel and brushes and train a high wattage bulb on the pets genitals.

Chiaroscuro is vitally important you see, to properly accentuate the shading of light to dark within the undulating folds of an alsation's anus for example.

I can paint to any size, but I prefer a modest work on canvas, framed tastefully that can easily be hung in the owner's home or office.

'Still Life with Bone' is a popular static canine arrangement, but I can accomodate the fantasy depiction of pets in any stage of simulated arousal.

The possible scenarios mentioned earlier involve subtle costuming, make-up and prop placement to express the inherent sexuality of each individual animal.

Imagine if you will, a stunning and precise portrait of your hamster from behind - its panties pulled seductively aside to reveal a well-shaved love nest.

A watercolour of your goldfish in bondage harness, swimming tentatively thru a black latex-lined tank.

Your dachshund in 'out-of-focus' oils, relaxing alluringly on its back, it's little pink tongue lapping at the largest of its five sets of nipples.

A Pop Art (or Pointillist) portrait perhaps, of your parrot's pecker is perfect for peculiar parties.

Gift-wrapping is also available.

benfrost, Jul 30 2006


       Call me closed-minded, but bleugh. -
dbmag9, Jul 30 2006

       Ew! Why am I somehow not surprised when I see who the author is?   

       But I hope this comes with a free t-shirt: "I LOVE my dog!"
DrCurry, Jul 30 2006

       There are times that I am glad that benfrost doesn't illustrate, times like these.
DesertFox, Jul 30 2006

       //There are times that I am glad that benfrost doesn't illustrate// I'm sure they are being worked on, and I want one. +
xenzag, Jul 30 2006

       Well, I'm sure benfrost would oblige if you pressured him.   

       Please don't. I don't want to have to gouge out my eyes.   

       [DrC] I love my dog but not that much.
DesertFox, Jul 30 2006

       ben, you are an excellent artist, as I have grown to know you better each year. I think you could pull this off tastefully. I also think, unlike Howard Stern, that you could do without the shock mentality to get your point across.   

       You don't need it. You are so very talented. It would be kind of like farmerjohn writing or producing "Lucy" porn.   

       Step up, take the challenge, drop the hustle and just do the masters work that you do!   

       And as for gift wrapping dustin's missing testicles...
blissmiss, Jul 31 2006


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