Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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The Slacker Mach 1.5V Running Shoe

Give your flabby fellow the workout he deserves
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(+4, -5)
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For those who feel they must indulge their mate in mindless exercise to keep them fit, the Slacker Mach 1.5V Running Shoe will keep him on the move to finish that all important drill.

Each shoe is solar powered and equipped with a programmable microchip, GPS satellite connection and infrared sensor. The runner or his Significant Other (password protection included) sets the up the program before the jog. After pressing PROGRAM on the toe, the Distance is set (programmable in increments of .10/M, K, Light Years). Required Speed can also be input as mph, kph or knots/hr. To set the Benchmark, he takes a couple of warm up laps. By timing the interval between footfalls and applying the gravitometric constant (allowing for terminal velocity), force exerted on the sole (Newtons per sq ft), the coefficient of expansion, wind speed/direction, air temperature and humidity, DEW point, surface texture (on the Moh hardness scale), Greenwich Mean Time, sunlight intensity (lumens per sq meter), ambient noise level and estimated probability of death by heart attack or stroke the chip calculates the Mean Distance of Stride. It also registers its location via GPS and maps the route to final destination, estimating arrival time while allowing for posted traffic alerts and road conditions. The user then presses RUN and sets off. As the feet pass each other, the shoes communicate through the infrared sensors located in each arch to tick off the distance and add up the mileage whilst monitoring average speed and direction. Kewl, huh? But there’s more.

Three quarters through the run, Flaccid Fellow falters. His stride shortens and he slows. Here’s where the Slacker Mach 1.5V steps in to keep Blubberboy on his toes. Should the runner go off the pace, a 1.5 volt shock is administered to the soles of his feet (you were wondering about that 1.5V weren’t you). The tiny shocks continue until the Wining Wiener is back up to speed. Should he stray from the planned route (in the direction of Dunkin Donuts, for example), the shocks are administered to one foot until he’s steered back on course. Did I mention that the shoes are locked on until the run is finished? An important selling point, don’t you think?

Also available is the optional earphone package with a drill sergeant screaming, “Pick it up Fatso. Move it, Move it. Move it!”

At the end of a successful run, a pleasant tingling is sent to the feet to massage and soothe them. With the earphones package, “Rocky” is played.

What a wonderful gift for that lard ass lover, ladies!

MauiChuck, May 16 2005

The Red Shoes http://hca.gilead.org.il/red_shoe.html
A rather gruesome little story... [Klaatu, May 17 2005]

The Wrong Trousers http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0108598/
A rather hilarious little story... [DrBob, May 19 2005]


       (insert your own list of measurable variables here) = fishbone
ato_de, May 16 2005

       Awww. If you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at? Scientific support exists for the mind/sole disconnect -- frankly, the reason we don't run more and better is that we scarcely feel the ground through our shoes. The more high tech the shoe (more comfortable), the greater the disconnect. There's a lot to what [MauiChuck] is saying that I would echo, and I think the idea in principle may motivate better workouts for some. I particularly like the "feet pass each other" activator. Suggestion, though: with all the GPS and location tie-in ability, there should be a reward at your halfway point. The donut comes to mind.
reensure, May 17 2005

       Baked in "The Red Shoes" <link>
Klaatu, May 17 2005

       Thanks reensure. We need not be so exacting on the details, do we? Donut stop reward is good. And where's that recipe for ice cubes? (The funniest line I have read today. ROTFLMAOAPMP)   

       Klaatu. Quite true. Didn't realize this was a parallel. Hmmm
MauiChuck, May 17 2005


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