Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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autonomous multi-celled butt washer

it's the new bidet
  (+3, -1)
(+3, -1)
  [vote for,

A machine consisting of these parts:

(A)A digital camera placed beneath a toilet seat and pointed at the expected location of the user's derriere.

(B)A computer.

(C)A Software to locate the appropriate place to put (assembly E) using (A)

(D) A robot arm

Assembly (E) consisting of:

A cheap plastic, replacable multicelled bidet consisting of (E1)Several sections separated by flexible plastic walls with

(E2)A water hose outlet in each cell

(E3)Air hoses connected to each cell on one side and

(F)A vacuum pump that makes a mild vacuum inside each cell

(E4)A water hose connecting to (E2) on one end and (G)

A water and liquid soap pump on the other.

(H)A warm air blower.

(I)A funnel capable of melting plastic and dropping it out the bottom as a blob.

(J)A melted plastic blob catcher

(K)A hopper containing more of the parts of (E) that contact water and waste

The whole machine operating as follows. (C) runs on (B) first controlling (D) to put (Assembly E) against the user's derriere with one cell over the sphincter, one larger cell surrounding the first cell and covering the whole butt, And a third cell covering the genitalia. (B) uses pump (F) to pull subassembly (E) against the user's nethers with a gentle vacuum. (B) uses (G) to pump first soapy water and then pure water through each cell of subassembly (E). (B) withdraws subassembly (E) using (D). (B) uses (H)to gently dry the user. (B) uses (D) to put (E) into (I). (I) melts (E) into a blob and gravity pulls (E) into (J). (B) puts another (E) onto (D) to prepare for the next use.
Voice, Feb 14 2011

Oh. And I thought it had something to do with this idea. Self_20Destructing_20Cigarette_20Butt
[normzone, Feb 15 2011]


       I am not putting my bits near anything with more than H moving parts. That includes sheep.
MaxwellBuchanan, Feb 15 2011

       Lost me at (A).
doctorremulac3, Feb 15 2011

       Illustration required.
DIYMatt, Feb 15 2011

       Neither my arse, nor my fag end, are autonomous or multi-celled.
pocmloc, Feb 15 2011

       //Neither my arse, nor my fag end// saying nothing!
po, Feb 15 2011

       So, no good for contractile vacuoles.
spidermother, Feb 15 2011

       I imagine the experience of using this would be similar to sticking your backside out of the window whilst you were in a car wash. If you didn't end up mentally scarred by the experience you would certainly have some physical ones to remind you of it.
DrBob, Feb 15 2011

       Can I buy a vowel?
xandram, Feb 15 2011

       Like it [+], although I think if the idea were to take off, the landfill problems from this could be pretty bad. You could re-melt the disposable subassembly (E), butt then there would be excessive energy cons(ti)ump(a)tion problems. Is there any reason why the sphincter washer couldn't be turned on the bidet pan?
TomP, Feb 15 2011

       Well, it doesn't have the yuck factor of the onboard toilets of the LEXX.
wjt, Feb 29 2020


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