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Spam is horrendous./ If we have to live with it,/make it more pleasant.
  (+18, -3)(+18, -3)
(+18, -3)
  [vote for,

I loathe spam. I loathe the fact that spam clogs up the internet, and I loathe the fact that it clogs up my inbox, and I loathe the fact that I have to wade through and delete all the items that have slipped through my filters.

Worse yet, though, are the spams that I have to open and read in case they are not spam. If the subject is, say, "The pdf you requested." or "Meeting date changed" or "Enlarge your ()rgan", clearly I have no choice but to see if they are bona fide or not.

Almost invariably, the content is disappointing and I feel I have been robbed of three seconds of my life.


I propose that we bring together a distributed team of Ninja Spamku artists. Their job will, paradoxically, be to send spam email as widely as possible, but in the form of pithy haiku. Inevitably, some of this spamku will make it through both electronic and human filters, and be read by the recipients. But, instead of some ill- mannered, ill-spelled advertisement, they will be rewarded with something along the lines of:

Your penis too small?
Latest herbal remedy!
Gain extra inches.

or maybe

Your number was chosen!
You have won untold fortunes.
Send details to claim.

To begin with, spamku will simply add to the global spam burden, but will at least afford the occassional moment of reward to the spammee.

Over time, however, traditional spammers will realize that spamku is more likely than regular spam to get its message across, and has a higher hit rate.

Quickly, the legions of spammers will adopt the spamku strategy, sending bona fide spam (so to speak) in elegant, carefully-crafted 5/7/5 spamku form.

Gradually, spam will cease to be purely a graffiti-like plague on the internet, and will instead become a commercial art form, with spamku artists striving for ever greater perfection in the combination of syllabic structure with slick marketing.

I have this theory
Even junk can be pretty
Bring on the spamku.

MaxwellBuchanan, May 22 2008

Haiku Spam http://haikuspam.wordpress.com/
(Not to be confused
with Spam Haiku, collected
Haiku about spam.) [jutta, May 22 2008]

Spam Haiku http://bertc.com/spamhaik.htm
Not to be confused with Haiku Spam... :) [phundug, May 29 2008]


       She'll love you for it   

       Cheapest meds and Viagra   

       Click on link to SAVE   

       My first spamku! Heck, my first anythingku...
plynthe, May 22 2008

       My spamassassin   

       beats your spam ninja in spring   

       my inbox is clean
Noexit, May 22 2008

       The Cherry Tree Blooms
Our Heuristic Algorithms
Defeat Your Efforts
8th of 7, May 22 2008

       + very spamcute!
xandram, May 22 2008

       Nigerian prince
Needs you to unlock his wealth
Riches can be yours.
RayfordSteele, May 22 2008

Ringing with Spam and Haiku
Well-worn themes. Yours broke?
jutta, May 22 2008

       Deeply indebted.
Jutta's link was surprising.
Who would have thought it?
MaxwellBuchanan, May 22 2008

       Is Jutta a person or a program?
plynthe, May 22 2008

       Jutta a program?!
All that you see around you
Was built by Jutta.
MaxwellBuchanan, May 22 2008

       If I wanted to worship Jutta, which I do, would I refer to her as a humanoid or a .exe?
plynthe, May 22 2008

       MB - <applause>
po, May 22 2008

       Nevermind. I have found people who enjoy my hairbrainery and I am quite happy about it.
plynthe, May 22 2008

       On cold day in Hell
Baked idea from the great
baconbrain, May 22 2008

       Baconbrain's right.
Widely known to exist?
Marked for deletion?
MaxwellBuchanan, May 22 2008

       Those blossoms don't spread
Prior art does not inspire
All spam to Haiku.
baconbrain, May 22 2008

       Spamfilters read syllabic structures   

       5/7/5 structures are blocked   

       spam turns back to shite.
ye_river_xiv, May 23 2008

       So your idea
Is to add more spam to spam
But with shit poems?
theleopard, May 23 2008

       No, I'm suggesting
Darwinian selection-
Selective breeding.
MaxwellBuchanan, May 23 2008

       Selective Breeding
Is Not Darwin; His Message,
"Adapt or Die".
8th of 7, May 23 2008

       That's true. However
Artificial selection
Apes evolution.
MaxwellBuchanan, May 23 2008

       Maxwell Buchanan   

       Has got a haiku problem   

       Now we've got it too
plynthe, May 23 2008

       "Haiku!", you exclaim.
Being a polite person,
I say "Gesundheit".
MaxwellBuchanan, May 23 2008

       "Apes evolution."
MaxwellBuchanan again.
Marked for a tagline.
baconbrain, May 23 2008

       Selective breeding is not evolution.   

       No new genetic material added,   

       Just unwanted genes discarded.   

       True evolution would require the creation of something new. Can anyone please point some true evolution out to me. Every example of evolution in every textbook I've ever seen has only been examples of the removal of already existing genetic material.
Ozone, May 23 2008

       [Ozone] May Be Right
But His Annotation
Is Not A Haiku
8th of 7, May 23 2008

       Sorry, I only do Vogon poetry
Ozone, May 23 2008

       hack developer's   

       drudgery of spam crafting-   

       a gentle respite
ryokan, May 23 2008

       Ozone, you are wrong.
Fingers, bones, teeth, wings, eyes...
What more do you want?

       Selective breeding
Is no different except in
Who chooses what lives.
MaxwellBuchanan, May 23 2008

       A Blade Runner Once
Said, "Too Bad She Won't Live, But
Then Again, Who Does ?"
8th of 7, May 23 2008

       If spam should evolve
I wonder when it will change
To be self aware
Ling, May 23 2008

       I am spam. Spam I am?
4whom, May 23 2008

       Genes have become differentiated after being generally more shared, which is why we have so many in common with fruit flies. So...ozone's "new" just means recombined.
plynthe, May 23 2008

       Poems in a box
In my humble opinion
Make spam even worse
bneal27, May 23 2008

       //So...ozone's "new" just means recombined.// Well, (and, I have to confess, this has drifted further from the original topic than first expected) that's half true.   

       Genes tend to get duplicated and, over time, the "spare" copies get lost, become dysfunctional or become modified to perform new tasks. Sometimes, parts of genes get shuffled, and you wind up with a completely novel protein.   

       What is probably true is that you could make a perfectly good human with mostly genes from a frog, or an adequate worm with genes from a fly - most of the important differences are in the control and timing of gene expression, and differences between the genes themselves are in most cases incidental.   

       However, once you appreciate that a gene includes the regulatory elements, that statement ceases to be as simple.   

       In a sense, of course, no gene is new. However, if you trace (say) actin back far enough, you'll eventually get to a point where the ancestral gene is so different that it would no longer be recognised as actin.   

       Anyway, don't get me started on molecular genetics, genomics and evolution. Oh, wait, you did.
MaxwellBuchanan, May 23 2008

       // don't get me started on molecular genetics, genomics and evolution //   

       Go on, you know you want to ....
8th of 7, May 23 2008

       Yeah, man, DO IT!!!
plynthe, May 23 2008

       MB, thats not haiku, shirley? did I vote,   

po, May 23 2008

       It was freestyle Haiku.
MaxwellBuchanan, May 23 2008

plynthe, May 24 2008

MaxwellBuchanan, May 24 2008

plynthe, May 24 2008

theleopard, May 24 2008

       ... it's all Bo-ku.
FlyingToaster, May 24 2008

plynthe, May 24 2008


       I like the idea but apparently it's baked..   

       Oh well. I suppose/ all good things come to an end./ It's time to move on./   

       Although I must say/ the annotations here are/ very amusing./   

       I'm just about to/ exhaust my small Haiku-ing/ capabilities./   

       But not yet! In truth,/ it's actually kind of/ a fun diversion./   

       But really, I should/ be going, as I haven't/ anything to say.
TahuNuva, May 24 2008

bneal27, May 28 2008

       Wonderful watches! you: favorite customer! Might even fool the naive!
Voice, May 28 2008

       Found another type of spam haiku... (see link)
phundug, May 29 2008

       Link appreciated, phundug.   

       I'd considered re-writing the Monty Python song in Haiku format, but I only got as far as:   

       Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam
Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam

       and couldn't think of a closing line.
MaxwellBuchanan, May 29 2008


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