Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
h a l f b a k e r y
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1/2B Film

Film noir, of course, to be shown in small art deco cinemas
  (+15, -4)(+15, -4)
(+15, -4)
  [vote for,

Starring anyone who annotates this, it will be grammatically perfect and feature cameos from every celebrity or book author who has ever been referenced on this site. Landscape shots at Susen's farm, cityscape panoramas out of PS or UB's office window (I'm guessing). All title graphics by Rods Tiger.
lewisgirl, Jun 14 2001

(???) Oooooooh I say. http://www.halfbake...y_20On_20Halfbaking
I didn't mean to have a film starring halfbakers that was in someone else's style. I meant a truly original piece (probably using Surreal Film Noir for a lot of the script). But for the sake of trying not to duplicate ideas, here's the link that ravenswood wanted. [lewisgirl, Jun 14 2001, last modified Oct 04 2004]

(?) Also: http://www.halfbake...ked_20baked_20world
[hippo, Jun 14 2001, last modified Oct 04 2004]

voiceover for atmosphere http://www.bartleby.com/103/86.html
is there anybody there? said the traveller [lewisgirl, Jun 14 2001, last modified Oct 04 2004]

(?) Showhome http://www.halfbakery.com/idea/Showhome
[Tabbyclaw, Oct 04 2004]

I don't think we need more songs than this: http://www.halfbake...lfbakery_20Songbook
[dbmag9, Jan 21 2006]


       Special effects would be implemented using custard where ever possible ...
Aristotle, Jun 14 2001

       Would they have been writing it in the correct tense?
angel, Jun 14 2001

       It will have to be a musical......we'll get Richard O'Brien and UnaBubba to write the lyrics and script and Jim Sharman and Peter to direct it.....
Susen, Jun 14 2001

       ooh, ooh! can i be the best boy? i've always wanted to be the best boy!
mihali, Jun 14 2001

       There'll be a car chase of course, during which the cars will be in constant communication using a variety of clever devices.
hippo, Jun 14 2001

       inflatable cars?
lewisgirl, Jun 14 2001

       We can use our elves as extras.
PotatoStew, Jun 14 2001

       will this be a bout the bakery,or just about things in it, as the 1/2 baked baked world?
technobadger, Jun 14 2001

       Theremin soundtrack of course. And the characters in the film would spend most of their time discussing how the film could be made better and correcting each other's grammar and pronunciation.
hippo, Jun 15 2001

       Scene 1: In an isolated log cabin, somewhere in red neck country, a man with a big, frizzy hairdo sits at a workbench. Behind him, in an iron cage, sits a baboon munching contentedly on a human leg. The workbench is covered in lengths of wire and the insides from a clock. The man appears to be inserting something inside a condom.

Cut to long shot of cabin.

The cabin erupts in a huge explosion, scattering debris across the landscape. A large cloud of smoke drifts quietly down the wind. Nobody is there to notice.

Scene 2: The mid-west. An attractive woman in jodhpurs is standing at the centre of a corral. She holds a long leash, which is attached to a horse galloping round the enclosure. The horse has only three legs.

A sudden noise up at the house attracts her attention and she notices a fox rooting around in the bins. She utters an obscenity, drops the leash and walks over to the gate where rests an elephant rifle. She picks it up and aims at the lovely, fluffy and entirely helpless and innocent fox. The gun goes off with a huge roar and the bins disintegrate in a cloud of flying metal and garbage. The startled horse rears and gallops for freedom, trampling the woman to death in it’s panic.

Cut to long shot of buildings.

The horse gallops off into the countryside, heading west.

The fox trots off serenely. Heading east.

Scene 3: Nighttime. The New York School of Pottery. Outside it is raining. Inside, the evening class has been cancelled and two detectives stand by the pottery kiln. The teacher, grey-haired Mrs Leibowitz, is sitting in a corner, crying and being consoled by a female officer. On the floor is a white outline where a body recently rested. From the position of the outline, the head must have been in the kiln.

Cop1: “So this is the third one then?”

Cop2: “Yep. And all killed in a manner appropriate to their half-bakery persona.”

Cop1: “So who was this guy then?”

Cop2: “Name of Sealy. Another half-bakery regular.”

Cop1: “I know what it looks like Joe, but what do forensics say was the cause of death?”

Cop2: “He was baked.”

Queue dramatic music and titles.
'Halfbakery films presents..."MFD"'
DrBob, Jun 15 2001

       Well, even if I'm dead, at least I was "attractive" <grin> (this is the 2nd time I've been "killed" in the half-B in the past week or so.....should I start to get worried?)

       However <pedant/personal rant>,
1) The "leash" attached to the horse is a "longe line" not a leash.
2) No horse can gallop on three legs.
3) Nobody with any brains drops the longe line while it is still attached to the horse's halter.
4) If the horse is in an enclosure...how does it then proceed to gallop off?
5) Toward what bins exactly am I shooting? If I am outside with the horse, the feed bins are in the barn in a locked feed room.....
6) The Jack Russells would have made short work of the fox long before I could have gotten a shot off.
7) If I were to shoot at a fox, you can bet that it would be dead (expert rifle -and handgun- marksman ribbons from USAF to prove that small boast).
8) I would not shoot around horses unless they were being threatened (i.e. by coyotes).
9) It's going to take trampling by more than a 3 legged horse to kill me....I've been trampled by six at one time and lived to tell the tale.

       Now, Peter's head in a kiln? Why, yes, that one is much more realistic! :-)
Susen, Jun 15 2001

       Dr. Bob: excellent! I think we have the beginings of a great script. Especially since my character wasn't killed off in it.   

       Susen: Since when does a movie script have to make sense and keep to the boundaries of the reasonable? You must not have been out to the cinema since, oh, its invention... ;)
PotatoStew, Jun 15 2001

       Stew: Sorry, you're right about the lack of realism in movies. I guess I was just tired of dying, after all, I am perfectly capable of killing myself off without help from from the crew here ;-) Funny though, I really haven't been to the "cinema" since the invention of VHS players and video rental stores.....see, I have this little agoraphobic thing happening.....
Susen, Jun 15 2001

       For the opening sequence I'd prefer a long tracking shot (ala Touch of Evil) which begins with the arrival of jutta and continues to track in and around the bakery, introducing the bakers as they weave in and out of the frame.   

       I'd use DrBob's post as the basis for the teaser/trailer. Of course, it'd have the obligatory, gravel-throated voiceover: "In a world where nothing is as it seems..."   

       >>Hat tip to StarChaser the Grammarian<<
iuvare, Jun 15 2001, last modified Jun 16 2001

       I would like to be the terribly witty, blunt and manipulating "Lord Blackadder" character, with dogEd as the "Baldrick" character.   

       [PeterSealy, you can be Percy, Lord Of Northumbria]
[ sctld ], Jun 15 2001

       Oooh! That's harsh, sctld. And every word spelt correctly (apart from the first 'D' in DogEd). Clearly my script has got you emotionally involved already. Perhaps I should do this for a living?

Susen: Sssh! You'll give away the plot!
DrBob, Jun 15 2001

       [DrBob] Ah! Pottery. Something I feel qualified to be pedantic about: If PeterSealy's severed head was baked in a kiln to anywhere near normal kiln temperatures for stoneware or porcelain (~1200C) there wouldn't be anything recognisable left - maybe a few mineral stains at the botttom of the kiln, maybe some glasssy deposits from silicates in his bones, but nothing much.
hippo, Jun 16 2001

       Dr Bob: What the hell are you sae sare aboot? And how is it sae harsh, it's quite fittin' whin yae thunk aboot it. See, Baldrick is a dogsbody. Dae the math.   

       [But once you're finished, don't submit it to the SQA, they're backed up as it is]
[ sctld ], Jun 16 2001

       "For the opening sequence I'd prefer a long tracking shot (ala Touch of Evil) which begins with the arrival of a jutta"...   

       -A- Jutta? Does she come in six-packs now?
StarChaser, Jun 16 2001

       who is the main villain?
technobadger, Jun 16 2001

       will gurkin mc flurry make an appearance?
technobadger, Jun 16 2001

       //who is the main villain?//   

       Don't act so innocent. You know perfectly well that it's *you.* Actually, a better question might be "who is the main hero," since we all seem to be dead. Assuming any of us could be thought of as heroes to begin with, that is.
PotatoStew, Jun 16 2001

       PotatoStew:do you mean *you* as in [replying to tb's question],or --you--[second person singular]-this could be interesting ,the veiwer could turn out to be the villain
technobadger, Jun 16 2001

       Well, I had meant "you" as in you, that is to say the halfbaker named technobadger, but now that you mention it, having the viewer end up being the villian would be pretty darn cool, if you could figure out how to do it. Mass hypnosis of some sort maybe?
PotatoStew, Jun 16 2001

       As inventor of the Film Noir Home, I thought that hippo should be the hero. In keeping with the Surreal Noir idea though, I was thinking that he would appear as an actual hippopotamus but dressed as Bogart.

The next victim? That would have been UncleNutsy. Knocked into a crevasse by a speeding zeppelin just as he reached the summit of Everest.

sctld: I was thinking more of the casting for Percy than Baldrick.
DrBob, Jun 17 2001

       Dr Bob, why is the casting of Percy, Lord of Northumbria, so bad. Remember that in 'The Black Adder' Percy was very clever, and Baldrick was even more so, but when Mr R.Curtis joined with Mr B.Elton, that was when the characters got dummed down. Except in 'Blackadder goes Forth' where Percy is terribley renamed 'Captain Darling' where his crap name was a compromise for intelligence.
[ sctld ], Jun 17 2001

       Would that be the same Percy who introduced us to the Jumping Jews of Jerusalem? (yeah, ok! I take your point).
DrBob, Jun 17 2001

       UB: Actually, it was Richard Curtis and Rowen Atkinson that came up with the original characters. Ben Elton only joined (and shunted out Atkinson) in series 2.
Baldrick was meant to be cleverer than Black Adder his master, but that joke was reversed by Elton for the rest of time.
[ sctld ], Jun 18 2001

       Thanks, [DrBob] - do I get my name in lights? <preen>.
By the way - if HalfBakers are all going to be killed in a manner appropriate to their HalfBakery persona, as you suggest, shouldn't PeterSealy be crushed under a collapsing pile of mattresses? (and I don't like to think of the grisly fates that await technobadger, PotatoStew and Rods Tiger). [Later addendum: Oh, I see what you mean now - appropriate to their halfbakery *persona*, not just their *name*]
hippo, Jun 18 2001

       How did blackadder make it into film noir?
Anyway, I kind of see egnor as a Peter Laurie sidekick to PeterSealy (in this scenario the arch villain - "but what about pulling out his eyelids and roasting his testicles Mr Sealy?" "That's so baked egnor, the japs were doing that 50 years ago"), with Peter doing his famous (but as yet never previously performed) Sydney Greenstreet impression. Of course, if you need someone to step into Girkin McFlurry's shoes in the style of Humpty GoKart, then look no further... To follow on from Dr Bob.. As the cops leave the scene, up screeches Girkin McFlurry in his black Dusenberg. His faithful, but slightly absent minded Australian partner Bruce (played with his usual understated style by UnaBubba) also hops from the car and they walk up to the latest victim's house. It's raining. Obviously.
McFlurry walks up to the body. "See that, Bruce? Baked at over 1000 degrees, not even dental records could match that. It's so obvious"
"What's so obvious?" asks Bruce "By the way, have you heard my latest precinct song, it goes like htis.." "Shut up man! Jesus, after that last Cole Porter parody I'd have thought you'd have given up. What's obvious is that Sealy has faked his own death to try and lead us off the trail. Voiceover "I could see Bruce wasn't taking it in, but then he hadn't had a beer yet and it was already three in the afternoon. I'd have to do the thinking for him...what was Sealy up to? How could we find out here he was? Who was this poor half-baked person in his place? I didn't have all the answers, but I knew where to start". "Come on Bruce, we need to go and see a man about a fish".
"You don't mean?"
"Yeah, we gotta go and see old man waugqueke and his tropical emporium. If anyone can tell us where we can find Sealy, it isn't him. But he sold the Siamese Haddock to egnor in 38, and I know he knows where that little weasel holes out. Come on"
McFlurry speeds away. Voiceover again... "I thought I was on the right track, but in the back of his mind, I had the sneaking suspicion that I may have missed something. May be it was a double bluff? Maybe it wasn't Sealy after all, but someone else faking Sealy's death to try and lead me to believe that Sealy was behind it? I couldn't tell, but one thing I knew was I needed a beer, and I kneww Bruce would know where to find one...
goff, Jun 18 2001

       Should be a hit! I've got Brad Pitt for the snarfyguy part.
snarfyguy, Jun 19 2001

       That implies that egnor, his faithful sidekick, would be played by Roger Rabbit.
DrBob, Jun 19 2001

       How was egnor assigned the role of PeterSealy's sidekick?
Monkfish, Jun 19 2001

       because I'm afraid egnor just sounds like a sidekick. You know, like Igor in Young Frankenstein...
goff, Jun 20 2001

       See, I've wanted ever so badly to annotate this idea, in order to cash in on the promise of a starring role. But this thing about getting killed has convinced me not to annotate after all.
beauxeault, Jun 20 2001

       About 1/2B persona deaths - Since my inner head voice insists on saying "egg-nog" when I read the name egnor, I think alcohol poisoning at a Christmas party gathering is his way to go. If my inner head voice is understanding beauxeault correctly, I think the guise of a street-domiciled alcoholic old eccentric smelly person would fit (sorry!), in which case death by trenchfoot would be the order of the day. Is it too obvious to suggest that UnaBubba blows us all up with a shrimp-explosive or something? (lewisgirl mixes limited knowledge of modern history with Forrest Gump flashback). The images created by 'ravenswood' are dark and cinematic already, I'm thinking a monochrome scene in, well, in a wood, and it's silent.... then there's a sudden almost deafening noise of flapping, and a whole load of, well, ravens, fly past and it's really scary. (Collective noun for ravens? it's something sinister isn't it?). Possible very very quiet voiceover doing, "Is there anybody there, said the Traveller, knocking on the moonlit door. And his horse in the silence...", that poem, who wrote that? Found it. Walter De La Mare. (pun?!)
lewisgirl, Jun 21 2001

       A MURDER of ravens!
angel, Jun 21 2001

       to lewisgirl: Madame, you flatter me!   

       (but check my profile for a description of what my HB name really means)
beauxeault, Jun 21 2001

       You people have stolen Gurkin McFlurry - he is my creation. You will be sory when my infinite thrust, no engine space craft returns from the land of WIBNIs to get my revenge NEHENEHE...
RobertKidney, Jun 24 2001

       Damn! I can't make a cameo as El Pedanto because someone else has already taken that user ID. Guess I'll have to appear as "Useless Annotation Boy". Or maybe I'll be the anti-hero trying to destroy the Big Brother house (preferably when Helen, Brian et al return to reminisce).   

       And I suppose my 1/2b death will, in a really "ironic" fashion, involve 1st degree burns...
CoolerKing, Aug 07 2001

       Drbob- I enjoyed the depiction of myself, though I'm hardly in "redneck country." Kudos, nonetheless
AfroAssault, Aug 16 2001

       Sorry Afro! Wild Guess!
DrBob, Aug 16 2001

       No apologies necessary, as you are PARTLY right. I lived in Cheyenne, Wyoming for several years, where they hold "Frontier Days," a week long festival of rodeos, cowboys, and other shit I hated. I'm glad to be out.
AfroAssault, Aug 17 2001

       If at all possible, I'd like to be killed off my one (or in this case many) of my own inventions. I don't know why - it just has the great 'Mad Scientist' vibe about it. Picture the scene:   

       St. Threef (for it is he) is wandering down a country lane whistling a happy tune. It is early morning and he is carrying a folded newspaper under his arm. He walks past a flock of road cones snoozing by a hole in the road and smiles to himself as he unfolds the newspaper. On the front page he sees the headline "'Baker' claims 7th victim" and he starts. Hearing a sound behind him he turns to see that the 'cones have woken from their sleep and are staring to shuffle towards him. He increases his pace but still they keep up. He passes a turning at a run as the 'cones are joined by more of their kind.   

       Sprinting around a corner St. Threef finds himself facing a wall of cones. there are at leat 50 spelling out the word "SCRAM" in the road. The rest are lined up blocking any escape. He stands stock still knowing that the road cones find their way mostly by vibration. For a moment he thinks he's succeeded as some of the road cones ahead of him start to shuffle off, not knowing that those behind are edging closer.   

       Suddenly he is overrun by cones from all directions. They knock him down by running into his ankles and swarm over him as he lies on the ground. Occasionally we see a flailing arm protruding above the frenzied mass. The movement becones less and less urgent as the road cones shuffle off leaving a empty patch of road, bare but for the neat outline of a person painted in double yellow lines. Underneath in neat stenciled script are the words, "NO STOPPING."
st3f, Aug 17 2001

       i'll make the sandwhiches.
benfrost, Aug 17 2001

       No worries benfrost, we'll serve herpes popcorn in the cinema.
lewisgirl, Aug 17 2001

       *applause, applause, applause* DrBob! Very well done indeed! lol   

       Has anyone ever been killed from music or random wannabe poetry? I suppose the closest thing I can recall is the Back to the Future scene, but that was just a bit of a toss and some collateral damage, nothing fatal. Maybe something like that in collusion with a transfenestration? However it goes, I'll want no more than ~.5 seconds on screen before I'm gone.
absterge, Aug 19 2001

       Death by music? In literature, I believe one of HP Lovecraft's characters was driven mad by it, but then all of his characters were driven mad by something.

I can't think of anything film-wise though, unless you count being killed with a musical instrument.
DrBob, Aug 21 2001

       Dorian Hawkmoon was rendered unconscious by poetry. It may have been due to boredom.
As for music, do you count Roberta Flack ('Killing me softly with his song' [referring to Don McLean, incidentally])?
angel, Aug 21 2001

       what about the monty python killer joke?
technobadger, Aug 21 2001

       Vogon poetry might do the trick...
RobertKidney, Aug 30 2001

       Zaphod12 (with two heads, of course) trundles down a busy street holding a stinky bag. One head makes lewd comments to lovely females and gets slapped; his other head immediately apologizes, shmoozes, and gets their phone number. Zaphod and his "je ne sais qua" mutter references to HHGttG while waiting in line at the greengrocer's.   

       People try not to look at his two heads and fail. They feign interest in the stinky bag, but back away when Zaphod12 thrusts it in their faces. Zaphod12's heads both look back at a winsome female as he exits the grocer's, and he slips on a peacob outside the door--falling onto his stinky bag.   

       Zaphod12 rolls over, barely alive. The bag is broken and reveals many fishbones--several are sticking out of his body, piercing the vital organs within. As Zaphod 12 tries to sit up and remark upon a rather leggy beauty, he is crushed by a large icebox that has fallen from above.   

       The door of the fridge opens suddenly, and out steps CoolerKing, who berates Zaphod for getting in his way. CoolerKing muddles off to his own death.   

       And in this way, each of the 1/2Bakers meets an unkind death until one determined Baker (probably [waugsqueke]) escapes the Reaper and finds......The Golden Croissant!
zaphod12, Nov 19 2001


You're kind of not supposed to write your own scene. Deference to the bakery elders really - it's kind of good to wait until you're established enough to have a charisma that other bakers recognise and cite, and then if someone mentions you or puts you in their play/book/limerick/song it's really cool. Be patient, my child.
lewisgirl, Nov 20 2001

       [lg]: What... there's rules now? (oops)
[z12]: Yeah. me too, but mine functions better knowing that she exists.
[waugs]: Ahhhhhhhhh. That's soooo sweeet. What are you doing with that knife. No don't come any closer. Argggggggh.
st3f, Nov 21 2001

       Scene Whatever:   

       A remote Highland village. Outside it is raining (of course). Camera focuses on a windowpane, droplets of water running down it, moves in closer and closer until Citizen Kane style, it passes through to:   

       Pub interior. Locals sit around drinking.   

       Local 1: Did ye hear aboot thon wee lassie in Aberdeen?   

       Local 2: Aye, it wis a richt shame, it wis. She wis a wee honey an' a'.   

       Local 1: Ochone, ochone, sliced like a pan loaf, she wis. A terrible thing.   

       Local 2: Thur saying that only her knickers wur left. Croissant-patterned, wid ye believe? Bit of a wild child, she wis, by all accounts.   

       Local 1: Neffer! She wis a West Coast girl, though, wis she no? Frum Lewis, ah believe.   

       Local 2: Naw, naw. She wis a sassenach. Ye must be thinkin o' thon Lewes doon in England.   

       Local 1: Wis that no where they hud that Muppet Puppet Murder a wee while back?   

       Local 2: Aye. Ah heard that the two wur connected. All started wi' thon lad who had his heid baked over in New York...   

       Camera pans across to a corner of the pub, where a mysterious figure in a sodden trenchcoat lurks in the darkness. As the figure turns its head to eavesdrop we see that it is, in fact, the Autonomous PeterSealy Bot, which holds in its hand some sort of remote control. It presses a button.   

       Local 1: Did you hear that, Angus? Sounds like... bagpipes in the distance. Like a marching band.   

       Local 2: Aye, Donald. And it sounds like they're headin' South...   

       Lightning crashes.
Guy Fox, Nov 21 2001

       <looks over shoulder for hippo> Ooh! Ooh! Before someone else gets there first...

<pedant> Thunder (& PC software) crashes. Lightning flashes. </pedant> :o)
DrBob, Nov 21 2001

       Scene Another (somewhere in cloud cuckoo land)

GeorgeTheRobin is walking serenely through the park, contentedly thinking up new ways to make society a safer place. Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a large person in a dark coat rushes by, accidentally bumping him on the shoulder. George takes a step onto the grass to avoid falling over. He looks down and a horrified look crosses his face. He gulps and takes a guilty look around. Too late, he spots them as they emerge from the bushes.

The crack team of pharmacologists quickly subdue him, analyse his blood, faeces and urine and dose him with the legally correct amount of sedatives. He is put in the back of an ambulance and driven off.

As the vehicle recedes into the distance, the person in the dark coat reappears to survey the scene of the crime. A grunt of satisfaction escapes him as he looks down on the crumpled sign. "Do Not Walk On The Grass".
DrBob, Nov 21 2001

       [zaph12], in the words of my childhood: "It's meh ba, so it's meh reuls." Just a bit of HB snobbery.
GF, she wiz neether. Shi wiz Geordie-borrn, an Tayside bred. Shi woulda been wishin shi'd no bin English at skayl in Scoatlund, tho. Wisni fun.
thanks st3f. you're a wee cutie too.
lewisgirl, Nov 23 2001

       Of course, any spoken lines would have to be carefully constructed Haikus. I'm wondering where the Autoboner would make his appearance...
Evil_Baron_Moustachio, Dec 03 2002

       Not only would it have to be a musical, we could film large portions of it in the MGM Showhome.
Tabbyclaw, May 29 2003

       if i was even considered a 1/2bakery regular i guess i would be flame-grilled or trampled by a rampaging troll... or maybe choke on a fishbone?
ninjafishcake, Jun 14 2003

       Churn churn churn...   

       And at the end of the dark period where the Halfbakery is not there (during which everyone lives in a strange dimension, created by Fishrat and without the correct laws of physics, annotation, and creation) jutta will cause the Halfbakery to be reborn, like a croissant emerging from custard.
dbmag9, Jan 21 2006

       She's reborned it before,
round about in late oh four.
bristolz, Jan 21 2006

       A lone figure reclines on his bed, typing furiously on a laptop. After some minutes of consideration, he gets up, and turns to his latest project. The bedroom door has been split in two, with various gears, springs, and pulleys visible from within. As the man ratchets up a new part, the door slams on his arm. Groaning in agony as his bones snap and crunch, he hammers, drills, and screwdrives frantically until a large metal pole pops out of the door, and swings up, catching him in the crotch, and drawing his feet upward to be chopped off by a turbopowered cieling fan. Strange wet, and foamy pannels closed over the window muffle his screams from the neighbors.   

       With blood pouring down his legs into his shirt, he wrenches the pole free, and falls to the ground. Carefully using the pole, he manages to grapple his laptop close enough to type. After clicking on the "New Idea," he enters the title "Help, I'm dying!" and asks for assistance at a particular address, warning emergency responders to beware of the evil knocking door, and advising them to use torches to get through his locked abode.   

       Halfway around the world, dozens of halfbakers read in horrid fascination before finally uttering a sigh of relief, and saying in unison "Thank [God/Zeus/other non-religious entities!] for a minute there, I thought he was turning into another Vernon!"   

       As an afterthough, they bun Ye_River_xiv's latest idea, "Help, I"m dying!" and he looses consciousness, with a faint frown on his face. Best idea ever, and he only got two buns!
ye_river_xiv, Aug 24 2006

       A man sits with his hand in his chin, staring with intense concentration at the Dejarik board.
With some uncertainty he pushes a couple of buttons on the board's edge and one of the holograms on the board reaches out, picks up, and eats one of the other holograms.

       A Wookie's face fills the screen: "Nurauurrrrrgh Ruagh!"
Now both the man and Wookie can be seen at the table.

       Now the man's face: He says "But there's no rule about attacking your own players! I think I put you in a bind by doing it, Heh Heh Heh!"   

       Both Wookie & Man on screen, "Nrhruh Nghruhghh ghunnhuuunrlulaah" -- "What?"   

       Wookie on screen: "Oh yeah, it looks like it. Ha! I Finally beat you! Finally!"
The Wookie stands, obviously very angry and grabs hold of the mans arms (not visible on either side of the screen) and jerks his own arms wide apart. The Wookie quickly throws what look like two detached arms down on the ground and shouts
"Ghralraaagh Hrauuuugh Nhraaaghahal!"
The head of a protocol droid sitting sideways on the shelf behind and to the right of the Wookie now speaks,

       "I believe he said 'Well, Now you're Finally marked for deletion, Zimmy.' Whatever that means I guess you won't be babysitting here anymore will you?, you big oaf!"   

       The Chewbacca Nanny knocks the head off the shelf.
Zimmy, Aug 25 2006

       The teletubby fatale (scarlet dress, scarlet lippy, scarlet aerial on her head) can be seen roaming her night-time garden, deep in thought. Her fibre-optical eyelashes barely twitch as she ponders the fate of the other bakers.   

       In a nearby glade cuddly animals are having a party, some of them dressed as librarians. What could ever disturb the peace of this faintly flirtatious idyll?   

       On the stroke of midnight, as if in answer, comes the coal truck; there's a hydraulic whoosh, a rattle, a roar and silence.   

       All that can be seen above the black heap are a bent red circle and some tragically chipped fingernails.
pertinax, Aug 28 2006

       One light burns at the observatory, where a dedicated young man sketches bigger and better asteroids. Such is his value to the free world that he is protected around the clock; deep in the Pentagon, a clean-cut watchman scans the monitors for any sign of trouble at that observatory, ready to alert local peace officers at a moment's notice.   

       Every stroke at the drawing board bespeaks a glorious logical unity of purpose, and it seems certain that by dawn an amazed world must start to acknowledge the wisdom of that new design.   

       ...but wait - there's something wrong with those monitors! They are fizzing, crackling and blanking out! The watchman hits his button without hesitation, the sirens blare, the SWAT team moves in, but it's too late. When the monitors come back up, they reveal, amid an already taped-off crime scene, the young incorruptible, his back pierced with half a dozen rigid steel foot-long rules.
pertinax, May 02 2007

theleopard, Nov 07 2007

       "NO!", the petrified man yelled. But it was true. The government was being overthrown by Halfbakery weapons. The fearful president ran for his life, but was hit by a knife whizzing through the air.   

       "Oh, COME ON! Why do I get the Eco-Sword? It always shoots nets at me.", some guy whined.   

       "Don't worry, you'll lose that sword after a while. Then you get one of these babies", another man said. He was going to say something else, but a flurry of shuriken stopped him. A dark sillouette appeared in front of a window, speaking to the men.   

       "Next time, don't use my friend's ideas!" the shadow said. He pulled out his KnifeGun and, before the goons could laugh at the tiny knife, he shot them. He rolled across the room, opened a can of creamed corn with his Ninja Star Can Opener and used the resulting shuriken to kill the random guy in the corner. He then offered the President a hand up.   

       "Who are you?" the big man asked.   

       "You can call me DeathNinja", the masked man said. He typed on the Presidential keyboard for a few seconds, then looked at the website he was looking upon. "It has been far too long", he whispered. He then wrote one annotation on a random idea. "I'm back."
Shadow Phoenix, Nov 07 2007

       "...then looked at the website he was looking upon..."?! - who writes your dialogue?
hippo, Nov 08 2007


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