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Skidmark attribution

Shite whodunnit
  [vote for,

We had the whole of HR here this week for a big old meeting. I counted 12, and the skidmarks in the lavvies were atrocious.

I mean there's only so much I can drink to jet them away. And no, there isn't a bog-brush; I have never experienced a longing for one like this before.

I want to know who did what, and on the principle of the polluter pays, ensure suitable action is taken.

Surely, it must be possible to invent a contraption to sample the skid and attribute to the right person?

I imagine something cunning to sample, and technology to match, a previously given DNA sample required as part of the terms and conditions. Perhaps then some sort of sliding scale of punishment.

HR are definitely the right people to get this process bottomed out.

DenholmRicshaw, Sep 26 2019


       // sliding scale of punishment.//   

       For HR ? Well, something mild for a first offence, like summary execution ...
8th of 7, Sep 26 2019

       The basic problem with Human Resources people is that they are neither humane nor resourceful. Nor, in many cases, people. Their job is to take people and turn them into "human resources", much as a forest can be slashed and burned to turn it into a "charcoal resource".   

       They should all be taken into a dark room and beaten with large dead fish. I know someone here is in some way related to someone who works in Human Resources, and I do not wish to offend them, which is why I have suggested using dead fish rather than, say, mallets.   

       One of my company's founding principles is that we will never, ever, ever have a Human Resources department, or anyone whose job title includes the phrase "human resources". We might, just might, have someone looking after "personnel", but their job title will be something like "John who handles personnel"
MaxwellBuchanan, Sep 26 2019

       Sounds like John is lining up for accusations of sexual harrasment ...   

       // rather than, say, mallets. //   

       Mullets, then ?
8th of 7, Sep 26 2019

       Mullets aren't ideal for beating people with. Only the larger ones have enough heft to deliver a decent thump, and they have rather delicate flesh which will fail after a few blows.   

       Now, if you really want class, go with a large pike (the fish, not the spikey thing). Pike are remarkably dense, with solidly bony heads. They also have long bodies (so you can get up a really good swing), and the point where the tail joins the body is indented so as to provide a good grip. A properly-wielded 3ft pike in a darkened room can be quite remarkably effective. They're also a native species, so you're doing your bit for conservation.   

       They would also meet [Denholm]'s requirement for a "sliding scale of punishment".
MaxwellBuchanan, Sep 26 2019

       //Surely, it must be possible to invent a contraption to sample the skid and attribute to the right person?//   

       A faster simpler & less 'hands on' solution (in as much as you'll be able to tell at a glance & won't need to take any 'samples') would be to simply insure all attending are provided with a libation laced with a die marker at an adequate period of time b4 the meeting..   

       All present for the meeting will be known by their individual colour of course.   

       Which has the advantage of being able to make pronouncements like 'It was Mr Green, with a log, in the lavvy!'.   

       Alternatively simply lock the loo door & send memos advising everyone to fast for 24 hours b4 the meeting, unless they bring their own loo.
Skewed, Sep 26 2019

       // die marker //   

       Surely you mean dye...no hang on...HR...as you were...
DenholmRicshaw, Sep 26 2019

       Actually I was thinking more of the sliding scale of punishment, but that works too.   

       Mr Green was definitely a reference to Reservoir Dog & nothing at all to do with Cluedo...no hang on...Cluedo works too.
Skewed, Sep 26 2019

       Quantum Dots are the answer. Make them consume a personalised libation and observe the lavvie-lightshow.
DenholmRicshaw, Sep 27 2019

       //dead fish rather than, say, mallets// I'm going to suggest two alternatives here. The first of these is The Catfish Of Nine Tails - a mutation that used to be frequently deployed as an instrument of punishment. As these are quite rare now, an approximation can be created using a bunch of electric eels. The offending HR miscreant should be suspended upside down with their head emersed in a bucket of angry bullet ants while the eels are liberally applied.
xenzag, Sep 27 2019

       // emersed //   

       Sp. "immersed" i.e. submerged.   

       "emersed" means "Relating to or characteristic of an aquatic plant reaching above the surface of the water."   

       "emersed" is therefore wrong as no water is involved. It could be argued that HR zombies are not technically vegetables, being more closely related to slime moulds or possibly lichen. Given their innate toxicity, they may actually be mineral, like crocidolite asbestos.   

       Electric eels are cold-blooded primitive creatures with tiny ganglia (not really brains as such) which administer painful shocks to their prey; their use in this case is serendiptous, although there are issues of cruelty and abuse to consider; we request assurances that the eels will not be hurt or harmed.   

       The other concern is that the treatment might not be fatal, although the idea of being able to keep an HR goon alive but screaming in agony for an indefinite period is certainly attractive.
8th of 7, Sep 27 2019

       Your vigilance is always appreciated and I equally bring to your attention your own wayward words "releated" and "argured".
xenzag, Sep 27 2019

       We put those in deliberately, just for you, to bring a tiny hint of meaning to your otherwise empty and pointless existence.
8th of 7, Sep 27 2019

       //Electric eels are cold-blooded primitive creatures with tiny ganglia (not really brains as such) which administer painful shocks to their prey//   

       I wonder if electric eels have some sort of biological faraday cage to protect their tiny minds from self-tazing.
Loris, Sep 27 2019

       Communicating skidmarks. Hmmm, sounds a bit large fishy to me...(I know that doesn't make any sense, so no need to write letters to the Editor. I just wanted to say howdy to [Denholm] and that is the best I could come up with.)
blissmiss, Sep 27 2019

       // that is the best I could come up with //   

       May we take this opportunity to express our sincere thanks that it's not the worst you can come up with ?
8th of 7, Sep 27 2019

       So you're angry that they poo in the loo? Am I supposed to poo elsewhere?
Voice, Sep 28 2019

       Are bears catholics ? Does the pope shit in the woods ?
8th of 7, Sep 28 2019

       I don't know, does Pooh poo?? maybe we can ask Christopher, presumably he'll know, not about the Pope of course, I doubt he knows the Pope, even if he does it seems unlikely to be something that's come up in idle conversation.
Skewed, Sep 28 2019

       Fecal identification by gut microbiome is already a thing, so you could use that process.
notexactly, Sep 28 2019

       Yes, but you'd have to find a way of getting pure shit out if the HR creatures ... oh, wait ...
8th of 7, Sep 28 2019

       //does Poo poo?// Sp.: "does Pooh poo?"
MaxwellBuchanan, Sep 28 2019

       How much poo would a pooh-poohed Pooh poo if a pooh-poohed Pooh could poo poo?
Voice, Sep 28 2019

       You'd better ask General Melchett about that ..
8th of 7, Sep 28 2019

       Sp. Oops! you're right [Max], corrected.
Skewed, Sep 28 2019


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