Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Highly Inventive Deterrent Signs

Invent your home security features
  (+31, -1)(+31, -1)(+31, -1)
(+31, -1)
  [vote for,

We recently had an attempted burglary at our home, and a few days after the police attended we were sent a large 'home security pack' by the government which included a great many stickers that we were advised to put up - stickers which made false claims about our household security, such as 'Items of value marked for police Identification' and 'House protected by electronic security.' I wonder how many people have 'Beware of the Dog' signs even though they only own a lazy old cat? Serious burglars aren't falling for it any more. It got me thinking... why not have large stickers or signs made up which really put burglars off like, 'Policeman lives here' or 'Member of a violent bikie gang lives here - burgle at own risk' ?
bodhiflip, Apr 11 2005

Example of Gruesome Iconic Warning Sign http://www.cs.utexa...photos/hawaii6.html
Dangerous Shore Break [farble, Apr 12 2005]

(??) Safety Sign Creator http://www.stclaire...ilder/ssb-panel.php
Build your own PDF signs with this site. Use bugmenot for the login. [Acme, Apr 13 2005]

G.N.O.M.E. Defense G_2eN_2eO_2eM_2eE_2e_99_20Defense
Thanks for the nod [RayfordSteel] [ato_de, Apr 14 2005]

(???) Something like this? http://us.news1.yim...51121/lnq051121.gif
Non-Sequitur [Laimak, Nov 22 2005]

at front of my house Attack_20furniture_20on_20Patrol
death by furniture! [xenzag, Jul 06 2006]

This Place is Not a Place of Honor http://www.damninteresting.com/?p=160
Yucca Mountain's proposed "Highly Inventive Deterrent Signs" are designed to send messages 10,000 years into the future... [land, Jul 09 2006]

"Our dogs are fed on Jehovah's Witnesses" http://www.telegrap...7/28/nwitness28.xml
Apparently worked brilliantly, but the police were not amused. Shame. [Mr Phase, Jul 30 2006]

Kingdom of Loathing https://itunes.appl...st/id432669965?mt=2
[normzone, Aug 25 2017]

Fixed Non-Sequitur link (Nov 21, 2005) http://www.gocomics...sequitur/2005/11/21
[scad mientist, Aug 26 2017]


       "MRSA Hotspot"
"Active subduction zone"
"To the egress"
AbsintheWithoutLeave, Apr 11 2005

       'we have leprosy'
benfrost, Apr 11 2005

       [benfrost] !! That is so politically incorrect that it has taken my breath away! The correct term is Hansen's Disease. Report to the captain for a spanking.
ConsulFlaminicus, Apr 11 2005

       Protected by G.N.O.M.E. defense systems.
RayfordSteele, Apr 11 2005

       Well, there's the ever popular "Home protected by Smith & Wesson" sticker I see from time to time.   

       I get a kick out of the "we call police" signs. Like we expect them to not call the police if someone broke in.
lowbot, Apr 11 2005

       "make my day"
po, Apr 11 2005

       "I know your Dad."   

       "This house has been specially blessed by a priest, a shaman and a rabbi. Burglars will be eaten alive by locusts, pursued by cannibals and struck by lightning."   

       ...or you could stick biohazard tape across the gate when you go out.   

       "Warning! I haven't been able to get near enough the guard dog to feed him recently."
moomintroll, Apr 11 2005

       Hurriedly scribbled sign on door: "Melinda! Do NOT open the door or go in the house! Jim's damned cougars are loose inside again and are tearing up the place. I'm at the Smith's until I can reach Jim and get them back in the pen."   

       Have a long looped recording of big cat vocalizations playing inside just loud enough to be audible.
bristolz, Apr 11 2005

       A Lada in the driveway, with a Sony Betamax manual visible on the back shelf?
goldilox, Apr 11 2005

       Personally, I go in more for fake windows and doors, that open onto brick walls.
Soterios, Apr 11 2005

       As a youth, I had a "Danger High Voltage" sign, perfectly valid almost anywhere, as there is static charge at least in the kilovolts nearly everywhere (at least in the high desert.)   

       And then my favorite, complete with flashing red LED, stating: "Caution! Radiation! 660nm" referring, of course, to the red light from the LED.
csea, Apr 11 2005

       Or a bio-hazard sign.
bristolz, Apr 11 2005

       To be fair to burglers that can't read, the signs should be iconic, illustrating the gruesome consequences of attempted burglary.
farble, Apr 12 2005

       Or you could leave a post-it note on your door, saying 'Dear Julie, Help ME! They came last night. I fear this shall be my last time I shal write to you. They're coming!...', and a dark red handprint on the edge of the note. The note should be written with 'Bleedin' Paper', and loads of red dye left about the place. I think that should be enough to deter anyone.
froglet, Apr 12 2005


       I love this.
DesertFox, Apr 12 2005

       "We're home. Why not pop in and discuss God with us?"
wagster, Apr 12 2005

       Home of Marvin, the Paranoid Android.
RayfordSteele, Apr 12 2005

       [csea], I think I might make the radiation sign & put in the window next to the front door. I figure it will drastically reduce the number of door to door salesmen I have to deal with.
+ on this idea, also.
Zimmy, Apr 12 2005

       [bristolz] hahaha, that's fantastic   

       howbout a sign by the front door: "Jake's Skunk Breeding, est. 1982"
Cthulhu, Apr 12 2005

       signs that advertise high end security attract burglars because it means there is actually something worth burglaring. The stickers on my windows say "will work for food" I don't get any disruptions
ORISIS, Apr 12 2005

       Advertize a firearms maintenance or custom ammunition business running out of the garage.   

       There's also the warning labels attached to the doors at my college's physics labs. High energy laser, cryogenic gas, flammable, explosive, biohazard, caustic, weapons-grade microwave, distorted spacetime... there are plenty to pick from.   

       "We're home. Why not pop in and discuss God with us? You can even meet him if you like."
Chrontius, Apr 13 2005

       They had stickers like these at the Army/Navy Surplus Store near my old house. I don't remember what they said, but they were usually pretty redneck. I'll just make up my own.

"We love burglars! Their heads look great by the elk's."
"Guns don't kill people, repeated blows to the back of the skull with a flashlight kill people."
"As per the Henderson Act, the resident herein is required to post the following information: Convicted sex offender, charged with Sexual Assault with a Deadly Weapon on an Intruder."

Oh, and my stepdad has a "My President is Charlton Heston" sticker on the back of his truck. I wouldn't go in there.
AfroAssault, Apr 13 2005

       RayfordSteele, isn't Marvin depressed, not paraniod?   

       "Beware of warning signs"
DesertFox, Apr 14 2005

       [DesertFox] You mean Marvin the Paranoid Android? What do you think?
AbsintheWithoutLeave, Apr 14 2005

       How is Marvin paranoid?   

       He's depressed!   

       Always saying stuff like "Life, don't talk to me about life" and stuff.   

       He is depressed, not paraniod. It really irritates Arthur, Ford, and Zaphod, remember?   

       I'm talking HHGTTG Marvin.
DesertFox, Apr 14 2005

       Yes, he's manically depressed, but he's also known as the Marvin the Paranoid Android.
<anorak> He's first called "MTPA" in Fit the Fifth, when he phones from the car park of the Restaurant at the End of the Universe. </anorak>
AbsintheWithoutLeave, Apr 14 2005

       Oh him from the *first* movie <snigger>
skinflaps, Apr 14 2005

       Warning: This sign has sharp edges.
ato_de, Apr 14 2005

       [skinflaps] Naughty :-)
AbsintheWithoutLeave, Apr 14 2005

       "Home of the reverse Jehovah's Witness. Feel free to drop in"   

       That'd scare me off.
Phobophobe, Apr 14 2005

       Warning: This idea is a list.
FarmerJohn, Apr 14 2005

       Just a caution for those planning un advertising firearms as a defense. Firearms are a very popular target for thieves (at least in the U.S.) that have a criminal record and can't find a straw buyer. My favorite however has always been "No Radio, Allready Stolen"
Chrishnaugh, Apr 14 2005

       <HHGTTG>Beware of the Leopard</HHGTTG>.
Right at the start of the original radio series and the book. But you all knew that already.
gnomethang, Apr 14 2005

       That's my favorite.
DesertFox, Apr 16 2005

       I am concerned about any government that encourages it citzens to lie, under any circumstances. I guess politicians are so used to lying that all moral scruples have been totally surrendered...   

       I have a big sign on the front of my house that reads, WARNING: I sometimes forget to lock the back door.   

       My stuff keeps getting pinched, but sometimes that is the price of honesty...
Minimal, Nov 21 2005

       "Visitors: Look out for my valuable collection of antique-but-still-operational sentry-guns."
Mr Phase, Nov 21 2005

       "Guns don't kill people, I do."
DrCurry, Nov 21 2005

       <still giggling, [IT]>   

       Will Robinson what?
moomintroll, Nov 21 2005

       "Back In 10 Minutes"
phundug, Nov 21 2005

       [fhqwhgads], that'd be a very strange page layout.
bristolz, Nov 21 2005

       "Sorry guys; the grow-op's next door. And did you hear the things the people over there said about you?"
Rmcgrath, Nov 22 2005

       The Non-Sequitur comic strip had a good one today. See link.
Laimak, Nov 22 2005

       'Benfrost Lives here'
energy guy, Nov 22 2005

       "Next door neighbours have solid gold crockery" Might just work.   

       Or you could get a picture of a really fat woman and put "Likes sex with burglars" underneath.   

       Or, in a more severe manner, dig a 10ft trench in your front garden, fill it with spikey things, and put a fake patio on top ...
Mrlemonjelly, Nov 22 2005

       + signs in a foreign language might work well, like "slippery when wet" in Russian.
xandram, Jul 05 2006

       A comic did a quick bit on those "Protected by" stickers. He said he saw one which said "This house protected by a Radio Shack alarm system" (which I imagine was solely for the bit, because to the best of my knowledge, Radio Shack doesn't make alarms, but whatever). He went on to say, "I think that's a really great idea. This way, thieves will see the sign and tell their buddies to forget this house; they shop at Radio Shack!"   

       yuk, yuk, yuk. =)
pigonthewing, Jul 05 2006

       "I'm divorced, drunk, and lonely. Come on in."   

       or just a silhouette picture of a Trabbant.
shapu, Jul 05 2006

       30 Drury Lane, home to the local NRA Convention!
Germanicus, Jul 06 2006

       How about   

Next-door neighbor
has no firearms.
Please don't hurt him.
supercat, Jul 06 2006

       did you know that it takes less than a pound of pressure to puncture skin?
tcarson, Jul 06 2006

       Been watching Firefly again, [tcarson]?
normzone, Jul 06 2006

       you caught me [norm]. remember, some grenades would be useful right about now.
tcarson, Jul 06 2006

       Too funny. I watched that episode last night.   

       Highly inventive detergent signs...
normzone, Jul 06 2006

       caution, sudsy
tcarson, Jul 06 2006

       "Welcome to the home of Reverend Rabbi Margeret Thatcher, the world's greatest karate champion."   

       "We have knives."   

       "Warning. This house will collapse around you."
dbmag9, Jul 06 2006

       Note on front door: Carrie, The cops want to arrest Betty Jo for shooting that son of a *****. I think they might be watching the house, so you might want to come back tomorrow. Signed, T-Bone
tatmkr, Jul 07 2006

       Signs on Door- Eastside Halfway House S.O.S- Sexual Offender Services DO NOT RING DOORBELL-Sleeping Mental Patients Reside Here
tatmkr, Jul 07 2006

       //did you know that it takes less than a pound of pressure to puncture skin?// A pound is a unit of weight and therefore (by extension) force, but not of pressure, surely?
spidermother, Jul 07 2006

       This idea reminds me of the house we rented at uni, which was previously (up to right before we rented it) a martial arts shop. The front window still advertised this, and we left the signs there, figuring that would-be burglars would be deterred at the thought of finding highly-trained ninjas inside.   

       (For the first few months there, we also got phoned by people seeking martial arts tuition, which also provided opportunities for amusement.)   

       And we never did get burgled...
imaginality, Jul 07 2006

       [spidermother] that was a quote from a sci-fi, western series.   

       however, is psi not a measure of pressure? pounds per square inch?
tcarson, Jul 07 2006

       It seems Highly Inventive Deterrent Signs do little to deter the police from their irritating habit of wasting the public's time [linky]
Mr Phase, Jul 30 2006

       "Hi. We knew you'd be coming tonight. Please smile to the camera."   

       "Lost: my pet python. Light and dark brown, about 7 feet long. Listens to the name Bubba."   

       "For sale: rottweiler pups. 4 weeks old."   

       "John: Jimmy sleeps downstairs tonight. Please be silent - if he starts crying once more, I'll flip."
Forthur, Jul 30 2006

       Just build walls around your entire property, and a big iron gate that closes when a burglar alarm goes off.
ihope127, Sep 04 2006

       "Poisonous Snakes: Watch Your Step!"
istill316, Dec 04 2006

       "This Sign Intentionally Left Blank"   

       I don't know how that would stop a burglar, but it irks me to see that written on paper.
Hunter79764, Dec 04 2006

       Seen today on a workshop door:   

       "WARNING ! 21% Oxygen atmosphere beyond this point ! Ignition hazard - no smoking or naked flames."
8th of 7, Aug 25 2017

       //no smoking or naked flames//   

       This religious modesty has gone too far...
bs0u0155, Aug 25 2017

       My favourite is a large wooden sign on a high post saying "BEWARE OF ....." with the corner where the missing word is raggedly chewed off.
AusCan531, Aug 25 2017

       My favourite is a large wooden sign on a high post saying "BEWARE OF ....." with the corner where the missing word is supposed to be raggedly chewed off.
AusCan531, Aug 25 2017

       "THIS AREA NOW PRESUMED CLEAR OF MINES AND UNEXPLODED ORDNANCE. KEEP CLOSELY TO MARKED PATH." on a rusty single-strand barbed wire fence is a surprisingly effective way of discouraging unwanted visitors.   

       Particularly if there's a partially-overgrown but unmistakable crater close by.
8th of 7, Aug 25 2017

       It's unwise to advertise in any manner that your house contains firearms - that's just burglar bait.   

       My front window contains the Kingdom of Loathing logo (link) with martini glass and sword, minus the podcast reference.
normzone, Aug 25 2017

       "These premises are subject to the provisions of the Dangerous Wild Animals Act 1976. Entry is at your own risk".
8th of 7, Sep 12 2017

       I just have a card in the window with [8th]'s address printed on it.
MaxwellBuchanan, Sep 12 2017

       " Danger - Mad inventors within "   

       This is number one in a series of postings repurposing extant ideas in an attempt to recruit new halfbakers
normzone, Sep 12 2017

       "No Trespassing - Survivors will be Violated"
AusCan531, Sep 13 2017

       Having thousands of clearly visible, highly agitated flies trapped between inner and outer window panes, should deter most malicious visitors of any kind. The simple notice to reinforce the visual effect would read: Home Dissections (bring your own jars) We also make our own energy drink, and sell nice lampshades.
xenzag, Sep 13 2017

       Saw a welcome-mat the other day which said "Our neighbours have better stuff than us."   

       I'm thinking that a [Free Hugs] sign would work well.   

8th of 7, Sep 13 2017

MaxwellBuchanan, Sep 13 2017


       With some biohazard warning labels and a fair amount of do- not-cross tape. That should do it.
RayfordSteele, Sep 13 2017


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